I’ve discovered moving is like pregnancy; usually, there is a long enough break in between, that you forget all the aches and pains, and you only see the little rainbows and rays of sunshine that dance around at the thought of a new adventure. That, and you lose brain cells.
Even my 7 year old understands that even if the dude is ugly, he can still get a pretty girl, if he’s funny. ;)
I have to laugh at myself you guys.
I have to.
Otherwise, I start to collapse on myself like a dying star and all that I love will get sucked into the gaping black hole that once was Heidi.
I hate days where I feel an abundance of instability. I have been doing so well on the anxiety medication, but every once in a while, I have bad days. Days like today.
Days like this make me realize that I have made some amazing friends on twitter. I really never thought that was possible, but here I stand corrected.
There are some amazing people all over this crazy planet, and some have made more of an impact on me in a short amount of time, than some lifelong friends have over many years.
I am not happy to have bad days, but I am happy to have friends that care about me and keep me in their hearts…
I don’t ask for much from those around me. I try to be a positive, (albeit sometimes sarcastic), person. I am not demanding, or fickle.
I love openly. I not only wear my heart on my sleeve, I apparently let it bump into every living thing, as well as dangle listlessly in front of carnivores.
I forgive. I forget. (For some things, however, forgetting is not possible or necessary.)
My life should be sunshine and rainbows with how often I smile and offer my friendship and love to those in need.
But it’s not.
This week has already taken me to some dark and lonely places. This week has already battered and bruised me. It has knocked me flat on my hind-end, and, as if that were not enough, has kicked me repeatedly while I am too weak to get up.
It’s no secret that I have severe anxiety. I talk about it. I tweet about it. I share it with many people I interact with. I am open about it, because many do not understand it.
In the midst of an anxiety attack, most people look at you like you belong in the loony bin. They often interpret that collapsed and panicked look on your face as something dramatic, and weak. They ofttimes inadvertently kick you while you’re down by saying, “stop worrying”, or, “calm down”.
How could they possibly know the difficulty someone with an anxiety disorder has in “calming down”? How could they know that trapped feeling, unless they’ve been there themselves? How could they understand that feeling that everything is literally crushing you inside?
They can’t, and often, do not.
There are those that do get it though. And they are the ones that have the amazing ability to hold your hand through the darkness, and help you find that light again. They are true friends.
I don’t ask for much from those around me. I just need the ones who care about me to understand; just understand that I am still full of love and happiness, even when the anxiety is doing everything to stuff that goodness down and keep it where it can’t escape.
Just understand that I do have a lot to offer the world.
It’s taken a very long time to get to the point where I can admit this. It’s taken a long time to understand it myself. Especially when things go bad, as they did this week.
But, the sun still shines on a rainy day.
Now I just need others to understand these things.
Just understand. That’s all.
I woke up this morning; my smile was not like the rising sun; three little birds just crapped on my doorstep.
This is my reality sometimes.
I am a jokester who enjoys the fun side of life. I love to laugh. I love to be silly. I mostly despise being serious.
I love most people. I really dislike some people. I try not to get caught up in the drama surrounding me…
Well, sometimes my whole existence just gives up on smiling and being cheerful just to appeal to others.
It doesn’t usually last long. I call it “temporary reality hyper-awareness”, and it’s usually when I do a lot of writing and creative expression.
I put myself out there, in hopes of connecting with someone who understands.
For the impersonal nature of twitter, or favstar, or whatever your poison; I usually can weed out the people who are not real, and connect with those who are mature enough to understand that wisdom and maturity do not come without effort.
The purpose of this random display of seriousness?
I am real.
I have to stay cognizant of my reality, so as not to fall victim to the things in life that would leave me to wither away in ignorant bliss.
The “real reality” is that life is sometimes not always about being deliriously happy. It’s about taking time to collect yourself, to quell life’s dramatic control of your character, so you are able to enjoy the rest of your time.
So you can be happy.
Alright, I’m done now. Carry on.
|Me (to child 1):||So do you think you have a cold?|
|Me:||Okay, I'll have to check and see if we have any cold medicine.|
|Child 2:||We don't. We only have warm medicine, cause it's in the cupboard, not the fridge.|
— My 4 Year Old
SINGLE GREEN ZOMBIE seeks man with good brain. Must like blood and guts/Hate lawnmower and plants. Zombie need not call. Live flesh only. Pirate skills good. Call 555-EAT-FLSH.
It kind of drives me crazy when people ignore me. It makes me think I made things awkward somehow. But I will never know, because if I ask said person if I caused any awkwardness between us, that will lead to more awkwardness from the awkwardness of a question that really doesn’t change anything anyways.
I just have had people in my life that don’t tell me when something is wrong, and that lack of communication ends up causing them to give up on our friendship/relationship.
Can you tell I kind of have abandonment issues? (sigh)
|Me:||(reading a book to my 4yr old) "Eight geese, flying through the air."|
|Child 2:||(Grabs book from me; squints at the picture) "Huh. I thought those were birds."|